Part 23: NWS - Christmastime is Once a Year

JUST TO BE SAFE, CONSIDER THIS UPDATE NOT SAFE FOR WORK



Hello everyone. So uh... yeah...



On the one hand, that's not a very good disguise or a place to hide. On the other, it's at least somewhere kinda safe.

Video:

: Shhh!



: NOBODY MOVE!



: Oh! Ha ha ha, what's going on? I-I'm just here for an operation... ha ha .... oh, there you are doctor! I'm ready when you are. Is this going to hurt, doctor? Tee hee.

I once saw a movie that started this... oh wait. Uh... never mind. Forget about it.



: There's something fishy going on here. I think they might be Nazi zombies...



: We'll SEE if you're a real doctor. Give her an abortion. Do it!
: Oh! Oh, goodness!

I'd like to point out that my Pandora music station decided this was an appropriate time to start playing Right Here Waiting by Richard Marx. You have to try to get more inappropriate than that.

Anyway, we're about to give a grown man an abortion. There's even an associated minigame with its own neat music. You know how I said above you have to try to get more inappropriate? Yeah.



Merry Christmas everyone!

Anyway, this minigame gives plenty of opportunities to fuck up. Douchebag kinda lazily swings his hand back and forth across Randy's crotch, and you just need to tap the button down when it's roughly centered. You even get three chances to get it right!

: Mother of- !!
: Ow, my labia!
: Oh shit! Oh that stings! Gah!

Fuck up enough and the government agents will twig to the fact that maybe this 9 year old isn't a real doctor, and this oddly hairy lady with a deep voice may in fact be a guy. If that happens at any point, they say the same thing every time.

: I TOLD you that thing isn't a doctor! Fry it!

They then shoot you to death. Oh I should also mention that fucking up the abortion process at any point will kill Randy. No pressure, right?





: Whew.
: OWW MY BALLS! My mal-- my m-malls... my, my favorite shopping malls all close at five, doctor. Can we please get this over with quickly?



Pictured, a man who just had a large dose of anesthetic injected into his scrotum.



: Oh that's cold, that's COLD!

If you manage to fuck up spinning the left thumbstick counter-clockwise, then there's a blood spurt. I don't have a screenshot of it because I have never actually failed this part.

: Is that blood?

But that doesn't happen.



: This is about as wide as I can gape, Doctor!
: Okay do it. I'm ready.



I blame it on being sleep deprived, but I repeatedly fucked up this section the very first time I played. The basic idea is you just hold the left thumbstick in a direction for a set amount of time.





Occasionally the vacuum snags on one of Randy's balls. This is the section I kept messing up last year. I don't even know how. All you need to do is just move the thumbstick. This is one section you especially don't want to fuck up. If you do, not only do you die, but you get treated to a lovely scene of a destroyed testicle traveling up through the vacuum tube.

: Get it off! GET IT OFF!

Anyway, just press the thumbstick left or right and you can do this easily.

: OH balls, balls!
: Watch the balls!!
: Get it off! Get it off!!
: Oh god it's snagged!
: Oh boy!









After the third time you move the vacuum off of Randy's balls, you've won.



: He did it!

You can hear the vacuum suck something up, but never get to see what it is. Anyway, we're done.

We just gave a grown man an abortion.




: All right, so he IS a real doctor.



: What the hell?



: Oh shit, CLEAR THE BUILDING! THE AREA HAS BEEN COMPROMISED!



: Get out now!



: Uh, you go ahead. Might be a while before I can walk very well.

Yeah, I don't blame you. Take your time.



: (screams)
: What the hell is that?



: [Speaking German]



: Mathers... where did you find the alien goo?
: Broken vials were in the trash can, sir.
: What could have come into contact with it in the trash can of an abortion clinic?
: Oh my God...



: [Speaking German]









Probably shouldn't hang around too long. Let's...





: I'm here for you, buddy!



: God dammit.



: Look at that little fella! Are those little babies sucking blood?
: What's up with those weird babies?
: Wow, what's up with those weird babies?
: Wh-what's up with those weird babies?
: Mphpphm mph mphphm.

Let's get the hell out of dodge and take some fetuses out along the way.

...

...

This game has me typing some really fucking weird sentences.



Anyway, these fetuses are our opponents for the next five minutes.



They don't have a lot of health, but they have innate regeneration.





Their attacks really aren't anything to write home about. The former one is puking on someone and inflicting Grossed Out status, while the other is headbutting them for a tad more damage.



Another of the game's many achievements can be done in this very tiny window. Fart on a dead Nazi Zombie fetus to get it.





: Ew, look at that guy. Get his loot.
: Yuck! Look at that guy... Get his loot!
: How awful. Does he have any loot?
: Mphphpmhmp mpmphphphpm!
: We should get this guy to a doctor before it's too late!
: That's not how I'd want to go. Unless people thought it was funny.

See that grate in the top middle of the screen? That's our eventual destination.



I'm electing to go the long way there.





That various pouches don't really have anything worth showing off. There's some patches and such, but nothing that I'm gonna use.



Isn't it the cutest little abomination against all that is good and holy? These mice aren't even encounters. so time to go to the right.



: They're everywhere! What are they?
: Man, those babies are pissed off!
: Man, those babies are pissed off!
: Man, those are some pissed off babies!
: (Man, those babies are pissed off!)
: Wow, those are some pissed off babies!
: Man, those little babies are pissed off!



: They're killing us!
: It sounds like the holocaust out there!
: Geez, it's a holocaust out there!



: Well it's just fetuses, the soldiers should waste them.
: It's just a bunch of fetuses, the soldiers will totally waste them.
: It's just fetuses, the soldiers will probably waste them.
: Mphpmhpphm, mphpmhpppphm.
: The soldiers have guns. Those fetuses don't stand a chance!

: Babies are eating my brains!
: So much for that.
: Welp, so much for that.
: Mph, mphhhmph.
: Glad I didn't have any money riding on that.
: Nope, they're fucked.



So all that carnage we just witnessed? It's happening in the background, because that green duffel bag can be seen in one of the earlier screenshots.







: We're pinned down! Gotta disable that gun!
: We're stuck here unless you can take out that gun!
: Alright, Douchebag, you knew this day would come. Today's the day you sacrifice yourself to save me.
: (Mphphm, mphpmhpm mphphm mhpmph mpmphm!)
: We're doomed if we don't find a way to shut down that gun.
: I'll take a bullet for you Commander Douchebag!! I guess that wouldn't stop all the other bullets though, huh?

The targeting reticule on the floor is the killing zone. Anyway, this dead soldier is holding a grenade. You want to blow it up.





We're very nearly done collecting these things.



The water main for this part of the clinic is over behind this wall. By the way, that door? That's Room A, where we got our abortion.

...Moving on.



Once the water is off, we can enter these vents and go to the left.



This hanging light looks placed about right.





On the one hand, we just destroyed a pretty effective barrier. On the other, we need to get out of here.



Meh, the exit is just ahead. Let's get the hell out of here.



Back to the Manbearpig Claw for this next section.

Video:

As per usual, this video has the upcoming boss fight in it. Oh right, there's a boss fight coming up.

: That's it, that's it! The area is secure. Code Green.
: It's not secure...
: Tell all units the outbreak has been contained.
: It's not contained!



: What the hell are you talking about?



: It's not contained. Y-you don't understand... Khloe Kardashian was in here this morning. She had... the biggest abortion I've ever seen...









Welp, we're solid fucked.







This boss has at least 55,000 health. I say "at least" because it can regenerate a lot of health. If you don't know what you're doing, this fight will last a very long time.

See that last screenshot? That's the strategy. Fetuses live and die by their umbilical cords, so it stands to reason this one does as well.



Butters' Professor Chaos ability really came through in this fight and gave both of us a 9 point shield. This is the fetus's first attack, just throwing a gigantic tantrum and causing an earthquake.





If you don't block this attack, it's going to leech a lot of health from you. The umbilical cord is healing the boss for fully half of its health each turn it gets. So priority one is to take that sucker out.



Projectile vomit shoots multiple vomit projectiles in quick succession. It's difficult to block all of them.

Anyway, after beating on the umbilical cord enough...



It gets completely obliterated by the thorns effect from our bow.



Now that the fetus has lost its means of regeneration, the standard boss fight tactics apply.



I also bring in Cartman mid-fight for a damage boost.





See the top status? Every zombie enemy we've fought in the game has had this effect. This is why the umbilical cord is particularly dangerous if it doesn't gib itself on thorns effects. Normally the cord just falls dead and lies there for a few turns before it regenerates. So when fighting any zombie enemy, be sure to completely drive them from combat if you think it's going to take a while.





The last attack I saw the fetus pull off. It's pretty gross.



That was a lot of health to burn through, but thanks to percentage based debuffs, it wasn't too bad.





I don't know about you guys but I could really use a shower.



Let us never speak of this again.

Next time: time to see if any of the girls can read bad French.